A struggle of belief

Treading on forgotten pathways...

What use to me is this information?

There is no point; there is no reason to know this anymore - it is forgotten, meaningless...

...only if you deem it so.

What use is me knowing of this 'past' of mine?

...you want to know what you were, though it may hurt to see.

I don't need to see - there is no proof, no solid evidence...

...yet.. all the drawings... you work on them day and night..

Not as much as I used to. The notion known as the Real World has seen to that...

..yet you still draw, and only of certain subjects.

That does not matter.

It does, I think - you still hold on to that seperate yet similar reality, though your grip is loosening...

...only a child's fancy - something I want to hold on to that symbolizes how easy everything seemed to have been at that halcyon moment in time.

It's still there, though, deep inside you... begging to be let out.

It gets out, once in a while, though it takes a lot of time, thought, and effort.

So much reason and doubt to fight against.

...aye.... it would seem that way.

A friend of yours says things that seem familiar, though doubtful to you.

....

You would like those things he says to be real, no?

...perhaps, though only if I know that they're true.

You and I both know that we will never know that, if you are looking for answers within the realm of plausibility and conventional 'reality'..

..... it's true, I'm sad to say.

Do you think that it might be true?

The mind has a bad tendency to skew things out of proportion, especially from such faded a background.. he could have just... I don't want to think about that now.

You should, though.

Aye. The things he says seem almost similar to the way I am now - perhaps it is just a warped, twisted version of my current self that he is seeing...

Perhaps, and perhaps not. You yourself have witnessed things in your mind from that 'time' that seem to coincide with how you are now.

That's true, I suppose, but it could be a similar situation - humanity getting in the way. Draconic thoughts, feelings, memories, through a human filter. Seems to be the best possible answer for it.

Yet they're still rather strong, those thoughts, feelings...

Not as strong as they used to be - the wondrous things I imagined and believed in when I was a child seemed to have enhanced them at that point.

Or it may have been just the right time for those particular things to happen - your mind was still open to whole-hearted belief...

...the first stages of Awakening, I know. It was a good time for it to have happened, if one thinks about it in that way - now that more opinions, more data has been pushed into my mind, the belief in things unseen and marvelous doesn't have much room... anymore...

...or you just don't need to have those things happen anymore - the seeds have been sown.

..or there just isn't any more information to uncover.

Oh, there probably is, but it will take more effort than just mere serendipity and luck to have them reveal themselves, as they had before...

...or I'm just too frightened to explore those recesses in my brain... things that I don't want to accept...

You seem to be that way now with your current, superficial self.

...I know.

Perhaps it's all true, though... what if you really were what you think you were?

...it would be a marvelous discovery, though unattainable. I've already uncovered the possibility - that's all I'll get as far as concrete evidence, though it isn't at all. The rest is only seen through physical manifestations - the way I act... it seems so childish..

..yet it isn't.

I just want attention.

I guess we're all like that.

How is it not childish?

It seems to come from a deeper place in you... it takes a while to get it out, but when it is, it's a marvel to behold.

Pheh - more of an embarrassment than a marvel. And children do things they think that will gain attention from a 'deeper place in them' - that very instinct to want attention, to gain it... perhaps it's the same in this case.

Your other side wants attention...

It gets it, though - any time I think about it.

It doesn't seem to be enough, though. You're happy when you act that way, aren't you?

....somewhere deeper, yes, I suppose I am.... sad, really.

You'd rather keep it off the radar, though, so to speak.

I do, but then again I don't - that stupid want to show myself for who (or what) I really am is compelling, though I have a lot of control over it.

Not completely though, it seems.

...aye.

... you were believing in yourself when you started writing this, weren't you?

.....I think I was, to a point. More than any other time lately.

You actually accepted what is in your mind.... your soul.

.... yes.

Do you still feel that now?

... it's going back to 'normal', a little - the belief is wavering, but... it's still there. Perhaps I was what I think I was at some point... something that doesn't seem possible, yet... it's there.

..aye..

I.. want to believe in it. I... do.

It'll be a long path before true acceptance again, though.

I know that. I hope it comes quickly. I'm not sure if it ever will, though...

Perhaps. It will if it's meant to.


10/10/07